


take her to the moon for me

by whatcanisayexceptiloveyou



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Two Endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:41:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26425039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatcanisayexceptiloveyou/pseuds/whatcanisayexceptiloveyou
Summary: with tears in her eyes, she tried to remember the happiest moments in her life, however they only brought more crushing sadness the more she thought about them.because they all contained joohyun.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	take her to the moon for me

**Author's Note:**

> TW--self harm. this is my first time writing for wenrene. bare with me.

it was a breezy evening as seungwan was sat against her bathtub, the razor clutched in her hand over her other wrist. it had all seemed too much to handle, 'it' being the stress of her job and the constant eye the media had on her, almost silently begging her to mess up to give them an article to write. with tears in her eyes, she tried to remember the happiest moments in her life, however they only brought more crushing sadness the more she thought about them.

because they all contained joohyun.

for as long as seungwan could remember, her and joohyun were as close as two people could get, crossing the line that most friends draw between each other frequently. and for as long as she could remember, she had secretly harboured feelings for the dark haired girl. at the beginning, she had tried to stuff these feelings down a deep deep hole somewhere in her heart, where they wouldn't bother her anymore. however, almost as soon as she attempted this, it seemed the feelings only intensified, until seungwan was resulted to a blushing, stuttering mess when joohyun even glanced her way.

seungwan knew joohyun didn't feel the same, the constant nagging feeling of her committing some petty crime in her chest was seen as a warning from her own self conscious, warning her that, no matter how much seungwan loved her, she'd never feel the same. of course, seungwan felt she knew this would happen, she knew the closest she was to having her long time best friend as her girlfriend was in her daydreams. although, seulgi seemed to think otherwise.

\---

a few hours prior, seulgi and seungwan were both sat on a park bench, clutching cups of coffee as they idly about their days, no matter that they'd pretty much had the same schedule.

"anyway, what's new in the joohyun situation?" seulgi asked innocently, taking a sip of her drink and watching intently as seungwan's face contorted as she went through emotions.

"it's the same as always, she only sees me as her best friend, and i've accepted that."

"oh come on, you may not see it, but me, sooyoung and yeri certainly do. that girl loves you, no matter how blind you have to be to not see it," seulgi furrowed her eyebrows as seungwan once again shook her head, sighing as she once again sprouted 'truths' that were quite the opposite.

"she loves me as a friend. she loves all of us," the blonde haired girl looked down once more, twitching her fingers against her rapidly cooling coffee cup, which she had almost immediately lost all enthusiasm to drink it, or to be around others at all. unexpectedly, she felt the familiar bottomless pit in her stomach once more, wishing to dive into it and never come back out again. whatever seulgi was saying to her went in one ear and came out the other, seungwan humming every once and a while to make it seem as if she was listening. she had become so wrapped up in her thoughts that she found it hard to focus on anything else. she knew this spiral well, knew the pitfalls and counted down the moments until she was at the familiar stage of having the overwhelming rush of feeling as if she wanted to cry.

"...and yes, she does have a girlfriend, but we all really know who she loves..."

oh yes, the girlfriend. jennie kim.

in jennie's defence, it wasn't her fault that the red velvet girls found it hard to warm up to her, it was simply the fact that she had come into joohyun's life at a particular time where they'd finally convinced seungwan to take the leap and ask her out on a date.

\---

"i want you guys to meet someone tomorrow," joohyun had suddenly spoken, taking the younger girls in surprise, since she never usually spoke whilst eating.

"why?" yeri asked, stuffing more noodles in her mouth that she knew she could not eat comfortably, however she had to keep her mouth shut from teasing the girl opposite her about her flushed cheeks.

"because i want you to meet my girlfriend."

with a few words, most of the girls around the table practically heard seungwan's heart shatter, helped by the deafening silence that shrouded the table.

"is she...nice?" seulgi awkwardly spoke, trying her best to break the silence that was ringing heavily in their ears. she knew that if she didn't change what they were talking about quickly, seungwan would be once again resulted to tears for joohyun.

"yeah, she is. i think you'd all like her," no matter how suffocating the silence was, joohyun carried on being oblivious to the shorter girl beside her, who'd acquired tears prickling the corner of her eyes before seulgi rapidly changed the subject, rambling on and on about meaningless things that she thought would distract seungwan. however, she was proven incorrect as the girl in question quickly excused herself from the table, mumbling that she needed to go to the bathroom.

that night, seungwan had had seulgi's shoulder to muffle her cries on, as joohyun was talking to her girlfriend just next door to her.

\---

"oh god i'm going to be late. sorry seungwan, but i'm going to have to get back to practice, y'know with the sub-unit coming up and all," seulgi quickly sucked seungwan back into the present, standing up and narrowly missing spilling her half-finished coffee all over herself.

seungwan hummed as she stood up, following seulgi out of the park as she made her way home. they walked in silence, disposing of the coffee cups in a nearby trash can.

as seulgi turned towards the SM building, seungwan called out to her.

"take her to the moon for me, won't you?" it had been an innocent question, and seulgi had thought nothing of it, pegging it as seungwan being her cheesy and melodramatic self.

"i won't have to, you'll take her yourself."

\---

those words rung in seungwan's ears as she made her first indent in her skin. she would never take joohyun to the moon, jennie had already done that, and seungwan knew that anything she could do for joohyun, jennie had done it first. she wasn't special enough for joohyun to notice her, she wasn't special enough to be asked out on a date by the girl that she had fallen madly in love with over the many years they'd known each other. seungwan wasn't special enough that, even if she got a chance to give everything she was to joohyun, it was no longer special since jennie had done it first, and most likely done it better than seungwan could ever imagine herself attempting to.

she had made a total of 21 marks in her arm before seulgi had burst through her locked bedroom door. however, the teddy-bear girl had not seen what seungwan had done to herself yet, since there was still the locked bathroom door for her to break down before she could see her.

"seungwan? where are you?" seulgi called, however the girl leaning against her bathtub would not call out, since she felt the strength slip out of her, and she didn't want to even if she did had the strength. she deserved this, she needed this or else she'd live a life of misery, pining after the raven haired girl in the next room over.

"what's going on? where's seungwan?" she heard joohyun's quiet voice cut through seulgi's loud search of her room, most likely rushing through the many hiding places that she had doted around her room.

"i don't know, that's why i'm-" seungwan felt panic rush into her throat as seulgi abruptly stopped her answer, almost feeling the burning eyes through the door of her bathroom. she was so close to the end, she could almost feel herself floating from her tiled floors as banging was heard from the other side of the door. "seungwan, are you in there?!" she could almost hear the panic in seulgi's voice as she recieved no answer to her calls, the banging now resulting to a loud, methodical thuds of seulgi ramming her shoulder into the wooden door. she was so close to the end, so close to her solution when seulgi's sweaty body fell onto hers as her doors lock finally broke.

"seungwan?" joohyun's voice murmured, however the girl in question wouldn't answer, she instead heard the blood rushing to her ears as she saw the small girl bloodied and limp as seulgi moved out of the way for her to see.

"wannie? you can hear me can't you?" seulgi delicately asked, moving the girl's head to her lap, stroking hair from her face.

"looks like you'll take her to the moon instead," seungwan wanted to say, however she was already slipping into the darkness and all the strength she once had left her.

\---

the day of finally meeting jennie had arrived, and seungwan was dreading every moment of it, so she instead stayed behind at the practice room, relentlessly going through the same moves even though they were perfect.

"you'll exhaust yourself if you carry on like this," joohyun's voice suddenly cut through the music, making seungwan jump. she was hoping to be left alone tonight.

"well, that's when you know you've done well, isn't it?" seungwan panted, pausing the music and sitting beside her phone, raising her bottle to her lips for water.

"i thought you wanted to meet jennie?" there was the name again. the name that brought crushing feelings onto seungwan's heart, reminding her that joohyun was never hers and never would be.

"i've met her before."

"but you haven't met her as my girlfriend before."

"surely she'd be the same person?" seungwan tried to worm her way out of the situation, wanting nothing more than for joohyun to leave her here to wallow in her self pity.

"why don't you want to meet her? did she do something bad to you?"

yes. she took you away.

"no."

"don't you like her? i thought you were friends?"

so did i.

"we are, but i'm just not feeling people tonight."

"oh," joohyun breathed out, sitting beside seungwan, practically mocking whatever space was between them. she leaned against her heavily, and seungwan was scared shitless that the girl on her shoulder could hear how her heart was practically screaming for her.

"why aren't you at the dorm waiting?"

"i missed you."

with those words, seungwan could practically feel her heart sing with joy as it flipped in her chest, no longer worrying that joohyun would hear it.

"oh."

"you don't have to come meet her tonight," joohyun delicately spoke, breaking the silence. she spoke as if the vibrations would break seungwan, however she didn't know that seungwan was very close to breaking whenever she spoke like this. seungwan always knew joohyun was caring for her members, however she was still always shocked when she extended this care to her.

"what do you mean?"

"you don't have to meet her if you don't want to. just promise me you won't overwork yourself," with those last words, joohyun grasped seungwan's hand, and didn't let go even when seungwan herself was cringing at how sweaty it was against hers, worrying if joohyun could feel it to. they sat in silence for a while before joohyun had to say goodbye, seungwan's hand tingling from the prolonged contact with joohyun. and unknown to her, joohyun's did the same.

\---

as the blonde haired girl was carried away by paramedics, joohyun allowed herself to breakdown within the comforting arms of seulgi once more, unknowingly mirroring how seungwan had done so many times before.

"i can't... why would she... seulgi why would she..." her thoughts were cut off by sobs wracking her body, letting her head rest against seulgi's shoulder, which was mirroring joohyun's; shaking as she tried to keep her sobs to herself. she couldn't think why seungwan would do this to her, even after what happened with jennie and everything said and possibly unsaid. she didn't feel as if this was real, she felt as if this was some cruel cruel fever dream that her mind has made to punish her for seungwan's unseen misery that had only come to light a few days ago. maybe that's why this has happened, joohyun thinks, maybe it's because of....her?

\--- 

two weeks ago, joohyun's doubts about her relationship with jennie came true, with the other girl finally saying that she was only in this relationship to keep her mind off the girl she was truly in love with. a girl in blackpink, one of her band mates. joohyun couldn't bring herself to be angry at jennie, instead being supportive and finally pushing her to ask said girl if she wanted to go on a date. but this didn't mean that it didn't hurt any less.

"joohyun unnie? are you okay?" seungwan's voice floated from her door, however joohyun couldn't bring herself to lift her head off her desk, where she had been floating between being awake and succumbing to the ever-illusive state of sleep. joohyun's eyes were slowly closing as her door opened, seungwan peering around it. the door softly clicked, causing joohyun to think that the blonde haired girl had left the room. however, she was proved wrong when she felt soft hands wrap underneath her arms, lifting her up and onto her bed, careful to make sure that joohyun's head doesn't roll around too much to reduce the risk of her being woken up. unbeknownst to seungwan, joohyun was now no where near the state of sleep, instead she was basking in the comforting lavender smell that radiated off of seungwan's clothes. 

when seungwan placed joohyun on her bed, a groan sounded from the girl on the bed. she grabbed blindly at the air above her, finally latching onto seungwan's collar; she yanked downwards, bringing seungwan onto the bed and clinging to her side as if the blonde haired girl would disappear if she let go. the girl beside her laid stiff and silent, whilst the woman clinging to her side was snuggling closer and closer towards her hair, where the faint smell of her shampoo floated into her nose. 

"don't leave like she did."

this sentence caused seungwan's brain to freeze, surprised at the nonchalant way joohyun indirectly confided in her that she was no longer with jennie. or was she not talking about her? she supposed that joohyun could be talking about seulgi, who left their cuddle session yesterday to search the kitchen for more snacks. or jennie. or she could be talking about another friend who she no longer talks to. 

or she could be talking about jennie. 

she didn't want to jump to conclusions, however her heart did a small celebratory dance as her mind immediately raced towards the most ideal scenario. no matter how much seungwan was unintentionally let down by joohyun, her heart and mind banded together to rise her hopes, only for them to come crashing down like a broken rollercoaster. 

but she could be talking about jennie. 

however seungwan did not get to ponder in her own mind much longer, since joohyun finally lifted her head (which felt like a ton of bricks) and made eye contact. seungwan was then finally frozen completely, losing herself within the warm hot chocolate coloured eyes, falling down them quicker than she did last time. it always seemed seungwan reached the unfamiliar depth of joohyun's eyes, speeding past the pitfalls that she found last time quicker and quicker, as if she was eager to drown herself within those eyes. 

"you can't say things like that unnie."

"why not?"

"because it makes my heart hurt," seungwan didn't know where this courage came from, but her mouth seemed to move quicker than her head, blurting out anything and everything she was thinking. "you're eyes are really pretty, you know that right? it's bad for my heart. they're like some weird endless pit. not that your eyes are a dirty pit. they're much more pleasant than i make them sound. pleasant isn't really the word, goddess-like is more the word. i don't really know what i'm saying. not that i'm not telling the truth with the goddess-like stuff, just i don't really know why i'm saying this, since i've never really had the courage-"

soft, fluffy hair enshrouded seungwan's face, however the curtains of hair wasn't the thing that she was focusing on. joohyun had launched herself up on top of seungwan, barely leaving room between them. she could feel her breath rebounding off of joohyun's face, mixing with the girl's above. seungwan had only been this close to her a couple of times before, however she had always had a way to zoom further away from her which she always took as quickly as possible. but now, there was no way for her to get away now, there was no way for her mind to not make the wrong decision. so she doesn't count herself obligated to take responsibility for any decisions prior that point. 

"why did you never have the courage?"

"because i didn't know if you wanted me to say those things."

"why wouldn't i?"

"because you were with jennie."

"well i'm not anymore."

and that's when she kissed her. 

\---

"miss bae?" a man wearing a white laboratory coat walked up to her, a clipboard hanging loosely from his hand. the smell of the hospital was stinging in her nose, her neck becoming stiff from leaning her head on the wall behind her. joohyun had previously sent the rest of the girls home, putting their needs before her own. they were all tired; emotionally and physically. the amount of emotions that they had all been through throughout the first few hours, with a single hour making joohyun go through surprise, despair, anger and just helplessness. she couldn't speak for the other girls, but the first thing joohyun will do when seungwan will wake up is run through all of the many mixed emotions within a few seconds before breaking down and grasping onto her to make sure she was still there.

"yes doctor?" joohyun shook loose hairs out of her eyes, sitting up more straight before studying how the doctor before her was standing. he had a fairly good posture for a man of his height, and his face almost seemed neutral, however there was tired undertones under his skin, slight bags under his eyes. joohyun would not have any guess of what kind of situation seungwan is in, if she didn't notice the slight upturn of his eyes as he smiled under his face mask. 

"she's awake," joohyun didn't even listen to another word the doctor said, a warm feeling growing in her stomach as her body responded to the news. she was awake. she was fine. she was still here. her feet automatically followed the doctor, eager to see the bright, sunshine-like blonde haired girl once again. she couldn't wait to finally take the fragile girl up in her arms and take her home, where she can stay with her forever in their little corner of the world. "...she thankfully didn't lose enough blood for an almost immediate reaction, which may seem the complete opposite of what you saw in the bathroom. the reason why miss son passed out was because of the large onset of pain, causing her body to shut itself down..." her heart practically leaped with joy, her brain fighting the urge to skip down the corridor, deeming it irresponsible and not very appropriate for the people around her. 

the doctor lead her to one of the final door in the corridor, knocking before entering the room. joohyun tried to grasp a glimpse of seungwan, however the doctor only opened the door enough for him to poke his head past and peek into the room. he asked if seungwan wanted to see anyone, and even though joohyun perked her ears to hear even a whisper of the girl on the bed, there was no sound instead of the slight rustling of the sheets. the doctor finally stepped back into the corridor, opening the door for joohyun to step into the room.

as soon as joohyun saw seungwan's body laying and looking fragile, she broke down, feeling tears of relief roll down her face. seungwan's face showed surprise and empathy, clearly fighting between tearing across the room and hugging the older woman's body until she stopped crying and staying in her bed where the doctor had clearly stated she should be staying so she can heal more effectively. 

"i'm sorry," those two words caused joohyun's feet to seize themselves from where they were planted, diving towards seungwan's arms and diving towards the familiar safety that the younger girl offered. "i didn't mean to make you worry."

"you stupid stupid stupid idiot! you cannot scare me like that! especially after what you did! you stupid stupid idiot!" every word was punctuated by a small slap to seungwan's shoulder, the cranky, dark haired girl's tears flying off her face as her entire body was swinging her arm, although the hits didn't show how much effort she was putting in.

"unnie-"

"you do not get to do that to me! you don't get-"

"unnie i'm-"

"i could've lost you?! do you not realise you'd be leaving me alone?! you do not get to decide whether i want you in my life or not! son seungwan, if i didn't love you so much i'd-"

"you love me?"

"of course i fucking love you! i was about to tell you but you ran away before i could!" joohyun realised how much she had been raising her voice at joohyun, and decided to stop herself before she finds herself shouting at the girl in the bed. 

"do you mean it?" seungwan quietly asked after a few moments of silence, just grasping onto the older girl's body after it had practically flown headfirst into her body. joohyun simply looked into the blonde haired-girls eyes before pushing herself forward and latching her lips onto hers. many may describe kisses as full of passion and as magical as the first, however it was not like that with joohyun and seungwan. all the other felt was the undying need to kiss the other girl over and over again, and the thought of talking things out first was shoved harshly to the back of their minds, the only instinct was to react to what the other person was doing. and the person in question for seungwan was laying her palms flat on her waist, and seungwan guessed joohyun didn't like how skinny she had gotten, since she kissed her harder whilst squeezing the reduced skin there. 

"did that answer your question?" joohyun tilted her head, slightly panting from the extended time of not coming up for air. 

"i think you need to answer it again."

\---  
alternative ending  
\---

"miss bae?" a man wearing a white laboratory coat walked up to her, a clipboard hanging loosely from his hand. the smell of the hospital was stinging in her nose, her neck becoming stiff from leaning her head on the wall behind her. joohyun had previously sent the rest of the girls home, putting their needs before her own. they were all tired; emotionally and physically. the amount of emotions that they had all been through throughout the first few hours, with a single hour making joohyun go through surprise, despair, anger and just helplessness. she couldn't speak for the other girls, but the first thing joohyun will do when seungwan will wake up is run through all of the many mixed emotions within a few seconds before breaking down and grasping onto her to make sure she was still there.

"yes doctor?" joohyun shook loose hairs out of her eyes, sitting up more straight before studying how the doctor before her was standing. he had a fairly good posture for a man of his height, and his face almost seemed neutral, however there was tired undertones under his skin, slight bags under his eyes. joohyun would not have any guess of what kind of situation seungwan is in, if she didn't notice the slight downturn of his eyes.

"you may see her now. you can speak to her, since she can process sounds, however there might not be a chance she will speak back, or respond physically to you being there," joohyun's heart dropped to her toes, struggling to keep her face as neutral as possible. her feet felt heavy as she dragged them along the corridor, where the doctor was leading her to one of the final doors at the end. she didn't know if she would be able to see seungwan in such a fragile state, and she was proved correct when the doctor opened the door to the room for her before leaving for another patient. seungwan seemed even more fragile than she did when seulgi and joohyun had found her in her bathroom. she had almost broken down in the doorway before she tried to regain her composure. she didn't want seungwan hearing her breaking for her whilst not being able to do something. 

the public always viewed irene as the ice queen; she was always seen as someone who kept their emotions to herself, however joohyun was the opposite. she always needed someone to vent her emotions to after being in the public eye, and this someone had always been seungwan. no matter how chatty she could be, seungwan could also be a great listener, and when joohyun had been so overflowed with emotions that she'd cry, seungwan had always been there, offering her shoulder for joohyun to hide in. joohyun hated seungwan being quiet and still, she always wanted the younger to be happy and she wanted her seungwan who'd, if you had given her a chance, speak about a small subject for hours and hours, especially something she was passionate about, since she'd cutely explain everything to joohyun with wide eyes and hands that couldn't rest in one place for more than a minute. joohyun wanted her anchor back. she wanted her seungwan. 

"seungwan, i..." joohyun felt stupid talking to someone who couldn't help her with the conversation. she shuffled from side to side before walking across the room to sit by the bed, willing her hands to grasp onto seungwan's. "i just want to know.... was there something i could've said? to make this better for you? was there..." joohyun swallowed the lump in her throat before spurting everything that had been on her mind the past few days, "i wish i was enough for you to not do this... i wish i was good enough for you to live for me."

throughout the next following days, seungwan's family had come visited every few days, bringing gifts for seungwan to open when she woke up; the rest of the girls from red velvet had come and visited, talking at the girl in the bed and telling everything that had happened that day, and always updated her on how the fans had taken the news, and had wished her a full recovery. however, joohyun had always stayed by her side. even when her friends had tried to pry her away from the room, offering her to come home and get a full nights rest or to go to a nearby restaurant to eat something apart from hospital food, she had rejected the offers and had stayed by seungwan's side. she didn't want to do anything without her. seungwan was her anchor and the reason why she went out most days. she was the reason why she had looked after her health.

and that was why it practically killed her when seungwan died.

she had died whilst joohyun was sleeping, her head resting by seungwan's arm as usual, hand gripped in hers. joohyun had woken up how she usually did; with messy hair and blurry eyes. she had felt something was wrong when she had finally come to her senses, however she couldn't put her finger on it. seungwan was here, eyes closed as usual, no matter how many times joohyun had wished for her to look at them and for them to be looking back; everything she had brought with her and everything she had been brought by family and friends; and seungwan's was in hers. but it was cold. that's when she realised the calming heartbeat she could feel with her fingertips had disappeared. and when she realised the body in front of her had stopped raising and falling with shallow breaths. and when she realised the once annoying heartbeat monitor had gone eerily quiet.

she would give everything to hear that sound again. she wanted seungwan to take her to the moon.

\---

BREAKING: red velvet's irene has been found in her apartment after attempting suicide just one week after bandmate wendy had died. coincidence? we think not.


End file.
